Tag Archives: forgetting

Mindfield

Proceeding slowly
To defuse this minefield
Of pain
Confusion
And hurt

Swallowing the blasts whole
To save some unwitting
Soul
Some innocent
Passerby

Paying close attention
To the things I control
My actions
My reactions
My words

Making sure not to cut
Not to slash
Not to lash out

Being mindful
That I still care
And to rip you
Would tear me
Apart

But it still hurts
The pain is still fresh
The ache is still deep

…So I lay these minefields again
Defenses
Against the next onslaught
So it can be you now
Who tiptoes on eggshells
Who treads softly
And lightly
Wondering and hoping
You did nothing wrong

I raise these fences
“Protecting”
My heart
From you
While imprisoning
My soul

…I hate what hate does

Again I proceed slowly
To defuse this minefield
Taking tiny steps
While building this gate
Going crazy from this battle posturing

All is not fair
In this war.

Proliferation
and disarmament
A psychotic ebb and flow
Of emotion
Irrational in every way.

Hurt only begets more hurt
Unless someone breaks the cycle.

There’s always going to be pain.

I must do my part
To minimize the damage.

(c) 2009 L. Ashwood

Find Me

Like Hansel and Gretel I leave you crumbs,
Follow the path you’ll find me
There with Sherlock we will search in tandem
With looking glass and look-in glass we will scour the surface of my soul
and pick with axes to get to the core
Excavate the buried good within
Beneath the rotting corpse of skin
Evil flesh that reeks of human imperfection
That does not what I will it
That acts out it basest and basic
That burns and burns
Leaving a trail of burnt offerings to demigods and goddesses
That stops short of fulfilment
for lack of direction or lack of directness
That suffers mediocrity in silent indignation
In silence that engulfs and smothers
that becomes the cha cha cha of tongues untied
that becomes the assassin of soul
Find me in the desolation of this world
hidden untouched and unscathed but buried
waiting for your hand to reach down and pull me out
that we may dance the hustle all night long
round and round to every song
every tune of every tempo
let us dance like no one is watching
like everyone is watching
for an audience of 2
for a stadium of more
let us dance
with lions nipping at our heels
with dissenters pelting us with rocks
with cheerleaders egging us on
let us dance
find me in my cave and make my one two
And our two one
Find me and see me
And unite our purposes to one fight
Find me and take me to that place you whispered softly into my dreams
That place that is only in my dreams
Take me there
I leave you bread crumbs
tiny but distinct
follow me to my hiding place
then take me away

(jan 15, 2009)

Feeling

Numb
Neurons firing
But missing their mark
Kind of like a novice
Shooting in the dark
No touch
No sound
No sight
No smell
No taste
Will trigger
What some may figure
To be butterflies
And daydreams
Rainbows
And walks on air
Flashes of sparks come
Then disappear
Sparks of light
Flicker
Reactions get
Quicker
And then dissolve
And abates resolve
And the places left burnt
Counts all as lessons learnt
But the nerves down beneath
Make their retreat
Rebuilding
In tingling
Trying to find the best places
To attempt to feel again.

Not so numb
Inhaling the energy
The back of eyelids
Become great screens
Showing great scenes:
Memories.
Great and small.

Beautiful.

The boom boom of heart
Pounding in ears
As well as chest.
Reminders.
Life is good.
In perspective,
Great detectives
Couldn’t find much better

Than this
What would you wish for?
Than this
What could you ask?

The glass at half
Is neither empty
Nor full
Wanting
Lacking
At the same time
But enough
To slake some thirst
To abate some desire
For more

It is in the chase
That satisfaction is gleaned
In happiness of success
Is measured the worth of the quest

Than this
What is there to hope?

Simulation of stimulation
Prevents the atrophy
That is fear

It is a muscle that you carry
That you protect
And shield
Strength is gained by push
AND yield.

The shocks
Knocks off socks
But it seems in the end
It’s the jolts and the bolts
That makes what has stopped
Start beating again.

(Aug 1, 2009)

Untitled

In the constant
Ebb and flow

Of Life

It gets easier
To let things go

People too.

Like pools
In a waterfall
Life survives
In newness
Freshness
Release
As well as
Receive

It’s the way it is.

Give and Take.
Give.

Everything.

Hope you’ll be restored
Pray you won’t need
Know your boundaries
Can stretch
Will stretch
Take stress
Release it
Keep only what you need
For today
Manna will come tomorrow
If tomorrow comes

Not promised to anyone
Not even for everyone

The tide is high
Wade
The tide is low
Wait
The tide is right
Swim

Stay
Go

Be wary
Of the signs
Things vary
With the times

Grow
Where you’re planted

Know
The world’s slanted

Live
With controlled fear

Courage
Is not fear’s absence

Strength
Is not weakness’ opposite

Stand for something
But don’t be closed
Fall for some things
See where the rabbithole goes

Red pill
Into the looking glass
It may be for the better
Who knows
Some risks are worth it

Take.

Lessons from the world
Let life teach you
Let the transmissions stretching out
To meet you
Reach you

Bend lest you break
Get messy
Take chances
Make some mistakes
But, learn.

Miss Frizzle
Had the formula
Make the magic school bus real
Some things you need to be told
Others you can feel

Trust your instincts sometimes
Know the consequences
Are yours to bear
So be careful
But not too careful
Ruts can get deep
And the climb out
Can get steep
Attempt something scary
The rush alone will be worth it
Success too
But not as much as facing the fear

But above all
Let things go
The acid wears hard
On its own container
Poison cares not for intent

The boomerang theory
Can give you some peace
Cuz for real
What is fi yuh, cyaa un-fi yuh

The hardest thing to do
Is wait

(Aug 3, 2009)

Erase this

Taking an eraser
To this inkblotted sheet
Hoping to make it all disappear
The paper will rip
The sheet will tear
Long before the etches
Can be removed
Like paper crushed
Uncrumpled
What was
Will never be the same again
What existed has dramatically changed
There is a reason they call it chemistry
The reactions are irreversible
The evidence
Uncontrovertible
What’s done is done
Consequences
Cause and effect
Effectually means
Equal and opposite responses
The resultant force
Of the chosen course
Will cause motion
And the simple notion
That only emotions are at play
And that makes all things fair
Is an error in logic
Because this is not love
So it must mean war
The big question is
What’s all the fighting for?
The spoils now spoilt
The milk now spilt
What’s the use in crying?
Sighing
Words testifying
To some lust
Now loathsome
No love
Now lonesome
The trust?
The fuss
The lies
The good intentions
Leading to some wide road
Crooked
But well paved
Oh how much effort was slaved
For feelings unsaved
Unsavory demise
Burnt and charred
Broken and scarred
Doubled in pain
Halved in sane
Sanity
A picture perfect fake
Make no mistake
Normal is an overrated
Illusion
To aid in the confusion
That comes with psychological contusions
Symptoms of matters of the heart
Or head
Too difficult to fathom
Too hot to hold
Too heavy to carry
Do not linger
Do not tarry there
Keep moving
Lest the frostbite take charge
Keep warm
Keep going
Keep pressing
Make more indentations
Uneraseable
Indelible
Unforgettable
In the darkest black ink
So the tears will equally rip
The next time
The eraser passes its place.